i stoped updating because everything has been going perfectly.

their were some bumps, but now it's amazing.
we sneek out and see eachother ALL the time, we're bffl's.
and the times that i see fights comming, they don't.
it feels so amazing knowing that he's not mad at me.
it feels so amazing feeling that we're meant to be.

it will work.
we're just best friends. 
but i'm the only one he see's.
<333333.

so we're really good friends.
really really good friends.
actually i still see us being together forever, but not really together for um, probably at least until we graduate.
no big deal. 
we told me he wants to see me, we're trying to make plans.
i think us two, and two others are going to chill on the beach, maybe the movies, i don't know.
i get my licence tomarrow... if i pass, he didn't say good luck.
buttttttt, he doesn't have to, and i can't get mad because he can't read minds.

one more week.
one more week and either he will be in jail, i'll be able to see him, or they will postpone this longer.
i just don't want him to go to jail, i'll do anything.
and i'll do anything to have our friendship work,
i kinda want to do that "friends with benifits thing"
because when we do that, we always work out.
i want to have a serious talk with him before he goes to court, i know i'll  be able to on the phone the night before, but i'm just so anxious that i want to now.

I feel like i need a sappy love song, or 45, seriousally.

He took a new myspace picture,
I told him the last time i saw him i always wanted a picture of him with his new hair cut,
the only one i got has dissapointment in his eyes, i can't look at it.
And now i have this happy one,
and i rather see dissapointment.

He also took me out of his top friends, compleatly, and replaced me with a fucking cartoon's myspace.
whatever, i mean, deleating the i love sarah part, all the picture of me whatever, but he doesn't even call me a friend anymore?, god i can't believe i'm actually upset over myspace.

From what i can accumliate, his cousin also broke off his relationship with his secret fiancee, they were a horriable couple, well i guess people said that about me and him too.
why can't i just move on, 
i know he's no good,
i know if he wants to get back together exactally how the conversation will go.

senerio:
i'll be over his house, 
i'll be sitting on his bed, i'll be crying because i haven't been in his bed in a month.
we'll both be horney, we're going to be talking out of emotions not logic.
he's going to say 
"--- i've giving you so many chances, i just can't do this anymore, "
and i'll say "i know, we can't do this anymore."
and we'll talk about how we'll change, and how we didn't change, but we will now, 
and how hard this is on us to be in the same room and not be upset.
and then he's going to start crying, and get really mad at me because he's about to ask me back out.
and he's going to keep saying my name over and over again, and i'm going to forget how much i hate us dating.
and i'm going to make a promise, and i'm going to mean it, but i probably wont act on it,
and he's going to hate me because i'm still going to be working alot.
and i'm going to hate him because he doesn't have a job, 
and no matter how many reasons we can both say as to why we should wait a long long time,
in a day or two, we'll not be able to resit, and he'll ask me out again in a way that's like proposing, and i'll cry, and promise the same thing again, and i'm going to try to mean it, but i wont,
and we'll be in honest to god love for a week, 
and exactally one week later, he'll hate me, alot.
and i'll hate him alot.
and we'll get into a fight, and it will be the same thing.

how do i stop doing this,
and how do i know he's going to stop doing this.
i love him so much,
if we had a house, and we both had steady jobs, 
nothing would tear us apart,

i hate this.

I'm bad at updating.
This is sopost to be a place where i let my feelings out but i feel like i can only let them out to him.
I don't think i want to get back together with him, he's not changing for me.
He keeps saying I haven't changed, and i probably haven't, i think i've changed in ways that makes me even more uncompatable with him then pervious.
His dad's in the hospital.
His grandpa's in the hospital, and he doesn't want my sympathy, i know he's a reck.
he still doesn't have a job, he hates me for telling him he needs one.
He's going to be homeless. I'm not going to help him.

=[

i keep trying to talk to him
he wont respond, i don't know if he's not because he doesn't want to, or if his friends don't want him to.
i want to yell at him and tell him to get a job and do his community service, 
to stop "forgetting" the seriousness of the situation he's in, and try to make an effort.

on a lighter note, i'm getting a motherfuckingcar!
i put the downpayment on it.
i should have it within a week if everything goes well.

i told him, he never answered.
i tryed to joke, he never answered, 
i saw him walking by my work, he never answered, 
i tryed to start a converstion, he never answered.

i just woke up
i'm temped to text him,
i don't think i will all day, because he's with his friends and he wont take my seriousally.
i hope he misses me, he said he didn't miss me.
i want this to be love.

I am 17,
My heart is in a commited relationship that has been around for 2 and a half years, by heart is also in love with a commited realtionship that existed 2 years ago.
This is not love, it's stability, it's reliabilty, it's i can't live without you, but it's not love.
It was love, and i want it to be love again.
Please make it love.
I want to have those butterflys again, i haven't felt those butterflies in months.
I want the ideal picture of two people in love, i haven't had that in months.
I want to smile in a picture with him, not cry. 
I WANT MY FAMILY TO LOVE HIM.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO TO JAIL BECAUSE OF ME.

I want to go back to january 13th, 2005 and start all over again.
That was a good day, january 13th, 2006 wasn't as great, actually it was close to horriable.

i feel like someone died, he pretty much did, he's not going to want to go back into this relationship, his friends wont, my family wont, i do. i really really do.

I'm anonymous.
I don't want anyone to know who i am
I want unbias insight in my life.
I'm going though what i think is the hardest thing i'll ever need to go though in my life.
I need to be a better person.
I want comments, i want advice.

I am 17, I am anonymous.